I Will Love Again
by Destiny Lockheart
Summary: FF:TSW My first attempt at a songfic. After a failed mission in the wastelands, Gray has a talk with Jane. JanexNeil


Disclaimer: As usual, I don't own the Deep Eyes or anything pertaining to Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within. I also don't own the song, I Will Love Again; it belongs to Lara Fabian. The only thing I claim is the story idea. 

Authoress' notes: For one, this was an idea I got at school one day and I decided I just had to write it. Reviews welcome; flames not. Any questions? 

I Will Love Again

By Destiny Lockheart

"Okay, people," Captain Gray Edwards said, looking at each of the members of his squad in turn. "We'll be arriving in the wasteland in six hours. Now, it's been a hectic week so I suggest you get some sleep."

"Yes, sir," they replied, the same routine as always. Gray sat down next to Neil and across from Sergeant Ryan. Jane was sitting across from Neil. 

"I hope neither one of you is planning on snoring," Ryan told the two corporals laughingly. "I'm sure the captain wouldn't mind if I permanently injured one of your throats. It would keep you two from fighting." 

"Can we do that to Neil anyway?" Jane asked, giving Neil a conspiring look. "It would be nice to never have to hear his annoying voice again." 

"Very funny," Neil responded sarcastically. 

"I'm going to get some sleep now so I don't get myself killed later," Gray said, interrupting them. "I don't care what you two do, just don't keep me awake and don't kill each other before we get there. Goodnight," he added sternly, closing his eyes to end the discussion. Ryan did the same. 

"Goodnight, captain," Jane and Neil said at the same time. She glared at him. "Night, Jane, sweet dreams," he told her with a wink. 

_Did I ever tell you_

_How you live in me _

_Every waking moment, even in my dreams _

The mission had been a complete failure. Not only did they fail to complete their assignment, Ryan and Neil had been killed by phantoms. Gray and Jane were the only two people in the seemingly empty transport. Gray was sitting in the same spot he had been on the way to the wasteland, running the events of the mission over in his head. He looked over at Jane who was replacing the ova pack in her gun. "You okay?"

_And if all this talk is crazy_

_And you don't know what I mean _

Jane looked at him quickly, then went back to her gun. "Why wouldn't I be okay?"

Gray sighed. Those damn Proudfoots were just too damn…proud. Even after what had just happened, she still wouldn't admit to anything. "Because you should feel something. I know I feel upset."

_Does it really matter? _

_Just as long as I believe _

"You should be sad," Jane said softly, "the sergeant was your best friend." She couldn't ell Gray how she really felt now. She was already confused enough and trying to explain it to the captain would probably make matters worse.

_I will love again though my heart is breaking_

_I will love again, stronger than before _

She was going to miss Neil; that much she knew. It was kind of hard not to miss that annoying voce piping up at every single opportunity. But it was more than that, and both she and the captain knew it.

_I will love again, even if it takes a lifetime to get over you_

_Heaven only knows I will love again_

"Jane," captain Gray said softly, "you're avoiding the issue here and you know it." 

Jane turned her head to stare at him. "Sir, exactly what is the issue?" 

_People never tell you_

_How really true you feel _

Gray looked nervously around the transport, wondering how Ryan would have handled this situation. For starters, Ryan had wanted to deal with this issue a while ago. Perhaps he should have. Jane looked at him expectantly, waiting for his answer and at the same time fearing it. "Jane," Gray began, his mind groping for the right words, "Neil, he-" His voice trailed off. Gray was really starting to wish that Ryan was dealing with this instead of him. Or possibly if Aki were with him, she could handle it. After all, hearing it from another woman might make it sound a little more believable. Gray had to tell Jane this now, or else he might never tell her. He took a deep breath. "Jane, Neil loved you." Gray watched and waited for her reaction.

_I would die for you gladly_

_If I knew what loss for me _

That was what Jane had been afraid he was going to tell her. She decided to play dumb and hoped he would either leave her alone or maybe to completely confirm what he was saying. "What are you talking about?"

"Don't give me that," Gray said. "Think of what happened out in the wasteland." Jane lowered her head and closed her eyes. She didn't want to think about that quite yet. "Jane, Neil died to protect you." 

_So if all this talk sounds crazy_

_And the words don't come out right_

Jane opened her eyes and looked at Gray; all the pain and confusion she had been feeling the past hour building as he continued. "My guess would be, he's loved you for years. I noticed something earlier but I really never gave it much thought before."

Now there was a new emotion added to the mix. Anger. Gray knew that Neil had been in love with her, and he did absolutely nothing about it. If the captain only would have had a talk with him, or her, then she could have been saved a lot of confusion and pain. Gray had trailed off into something completely irrelevant and Jane interrupted him. "Excuse me, captain, but if you knew about this then why the hell didn't you do anything about it? As a captain, you should've realized that it could cause complications."

_Doesn't really matter _

_If it gets me through this night _

Gray was startled. Not so much by her polite insubordination, but more so by the angry look in her eyes as glared at him. "I thought it was just a phase that he'd grow out of," Gray stammered, wishing that they were anywhere but in the cramped space of the transport.

"Grow out of it?" Jane asked incredulously. "This isn't like some shirt that will get too small on him eventually. Did Ryan know about this?"

Gray hesitated, afraid of her reaction. "Yes," he replied after a few minutes.

"Oh my god, how could the three of you be so stupid?"

"The three of us?" Gray asked curiously. "I know why you feel that way about the sergeant and I right now, but where does Neil come in?"

"Captain," you know I've always hated him." Some subconscious part of her screamed its protests to those words. She tired to fight it; however, the protests threatened to voice themselves in the form of tears.

_I will love again though my heart is breaking _

_I will love again, stronger than before _

"Oh really?" Gray asked moving to sit beside Jane. She turned her head to the side, hoping he wouldn't see her tears. "If that's true, then why are you crying?"

"I think I may have gotten some dirt in them in the wasteland," she lied, blinking her eyes to make the story more believable.

Gray laughed, not buying it for a second. "I'm not sure if you're lying because you loved him back-" Jane involuntarily snorted.

_I will love again _

_Even if it takes a lifetime to get over you _

_Heaven only knows_

Gray ignored her and continued. "Or because you're just completely and utterly confused by what happened earlier." As he paused, Jane pondered what he said. Somehow, neither option seemed entirely correct. "Or maybe," Gray offered after a few moments of silence, "it's a combination of both."

Now that was something Jane hadn't considered before. "What do you mean, sir?"

"I'm just saying that it's quite possible that you had some feelings for him and you just ignored him. Also, you didn't realize he cared so much about you, so when he did what he did…" He stopped, knowing she would get his meaning.

Gray looked at her expectantly, waiting patiently for her response. There were quite a few things that had to be cleared up, and now that Neil was gone, it might be easier for her to talk about it. "Maybe you're right," she said softly.

_If I'm true to myself, nobody else can take the place of you _

_But I've got to be strong, tell me what else can I do _

They sat in silence for a few moments, but Gray knew their conversation was far from over. There were still a few more issues that they had to deal with. "Since you seem to be completely devastated, it will probably be hard to replace Neil in your heart-"

"Who said he was there to begin with?" Jane retorted. She instantly regretted saying it and bit her lip as she mentally cursed herself.

Gray just smiled knowingly. "Denial is a healthy part of depression."

"Who said anything about me being depressed?" she responded. "I may be upset and confused, but I am not depressed."

Gray just continued smiling. "One day you'll find someone who loved you as much as he did." She opened her mouth to protest but he held up his hand to stop her. "Just so you know, I think that if you're true to yourself, nobody will ever be able to fully fill the place he occupied in your heart. But since he died so young, I will have to insist that you move on."

_I will love again, though my heart is breaking _

_I will love again, stronger than before _

Jane smiled as the captain rambled on, trying to make her feel better. She knew he was also trying to make himself feel better, but she didn't say anything to him about it. Gray was right about one thing though. Even if she was still confused about her feelings for Neil, she couldn't dwell on it and she'd have to move on with her life. Now if only she knew how she was going to do that. 

_I will love again even if it takes a lifetime to get over you_

_Heaven only knows _

"Sir," she said, stopping his constant talking. "Would you like to know what the worst part is?"

"That all depends," he replied. "Do you feel like telling me?" 

She didn't answer him right away; the tears were threatening to come back. "I can't help but feel that Neil's death was mainly my fault." Thankfully, Captain gray had the good gracious not to say anything. "If he wouldn't have," she paused, searching for the right word to use, "liked," Gray smiled in acknowledgement of her word choice, "me so much, then maybe he'd still be alive right now." 

Gray chuckled. "The you'd be dead and I would have to be dealing with a suicidal Neil." He paused for effect. "I think I prefer this, despite all other things. I really don't think I would be able to control Neil when he's suicidal; I have enough problems with him normally." 

"I still can't help but feel guilty." 

"Listen, Jane, you can't control his feelings. This was in no way your fault. "If anyone's to be blamed, it's me. I should have had a talk with him a long time ago." 

_I will love again_

_And do you know_

_I will love again_

_You can't stop me from loving again, breathing again, feeling again_

Jane looked out the window of the transport, watching the phantom-covered terrain fly below them. The pilot hit a patch of turbulence, jolting the two remaining Deep Eyes. Jane couldn't help but think how Neil always managed to avoid turbulence when he was flying. She sighed. How could she push him into the back of her mind when he had become such a major part of her life? She had seen him every waking moment; hell, he even haunted her dreams. She couldn't remember a single day that she hadn't seen him or listened to one of his boring technological lectures. 

It was easy for gray to say what he had; he had never had to deal with something like this. No matter what anyone else said, it was going to be difficult for her to forget Neil. But she would have to move on, have to be strong as Neil always saw her. This was going to be extremely difficult. She could do it though. Neil died so she could live her life and she wasn't going to waste it by worrying about him. 'I can do this," she thought as she closed her eyes. 

_I will love again…_

Jane opened her eyes, annoyed, when the transport hit turbulence. She looked across at Neil, who was leaning against the wall and snoring softly. "That was just about the strangest dream I ever had," she mumbled. 

"Did you say something?" Ryan asked, looking at her. 

"Nothing," she said, still staring at Neil. That dream was just way-too off. Neil wasn't in love with her, was he? 

Ryan groaned. "Oh man, he's snoring. Should I mute him?" he asked Jane. 

"Nah, let him be." Ryan looked confused but he shrugged and went back to sleep. Jane looked over at Neil one last time. "If those 'wishes' work both ways, sweet dreams, Neil." 

Something like that dream could never happen. She wouldn't have to experience the hell that follows after Neil's death. She'd do anything to prevent if from happening to her. 


End file.
